Well… It was a 3 Brady kind of day today. 🙁 Gabby seems to struggle when she’s eating. She horks it down so fast that she kind of drowns herself and then chokes and sputters and inevitably has a Brady. This makes me sad. I’d like to think that the “powers that be” will take into consideration the fact that she has these episodes when she’s eating, it’s not like they’re just random. But I have a feeling that it’s just easier and safer for them to implement their 5 day policy and just let us languish in the ICN.
And I’m worn out. Not the sleep-deprived-everyone-is-home-learning-to-adjust kind of worn out that I would prefer to be, but just emotionally worn. I feel like I’ve been trapped in some kind of Bermuda Triangle type vortex and I can’t escape and I can’t be fully anywhere. I’m not able to be fully with the twins. I can’t sit in that hospital for longer than 6 hours or so before I think I might go batty. I can’t be fully with my other kids either. And while I know they are being taken care of and they will be fine, I still want to be the one taking care of them, and it’s hard on me not to. I feel like I’m missing out on all the ‘home stuff’ because I haven’t been there in three weeks.
I know it’s just “feelings” and it will all pass. The hospital stay WILL eventually end. We will someday be all together again at home and all working on adjusting to the new family dynamic. It all WILL happen. But right now it’s not and slogging through the day after day with little to no real light at the end is difficult for me. I’m sure I just need to have one good cry and get it over with, but every time I feel those tears rising I fight it off because I think that I can’t “lose it” yet. 😉 I still need to have a stiff upper lip because I might have 2 more weeks of this and if I lose it this early how in the world will I make it to the end?
The fact is, I know that God is sustaining me/us through all of this. And a big part of how I know that is just the number of people who have been and are still lifting us up in prayer. I can’t tell you how much that means, but tomorrow I might try. I’ve been meaning to write that post for a couple weeks now, so it should be good and “brewed.” 🙂 Keep it up! We need those prayers every single day!