Feelings, nothing more than feelings…

Yep, that’s what I’m going to talk about. How I’m “feeling.” If you don’t want to read about a bunch of “feelings” then you are perfectly welcome to not. 🙂 However today I “feel” the need for a rant. Because today I “feel” like a bad wife, bad housekeeper, and bad Mommy. Oh yes, it’s been an eventful day…
Ya see it all started with me being the bad wife. I did NOT get out of bed in time to make my hubby his lunch for work. He doesn’t expect me to make his lunch every day, and is more than capable of making it himself. But I like to make it because that’s what a “good wife” does and it’s something special that I can do for him to make his morning a little smoother. Nope, not today. This bad wife stayed in bed and wasn’t even up when he had to leave. He came in and kissed his still sleeping, “bad wife” and ran off to bring home the bacon. *sigh*

After being such a bad wife, I really lacked motivation to get going this morning. See, it builds on itself, this feeling bad thing. If I had gotten up when my cheerful “brook” alarm went off, things would be much different, but alas I started down the slippery slope and it just keeps getting better. Because of my lack of motivation I became a “bad housekeeper” too. My mother-in-law will be here any time this afternoon. The bed in the spare room is not made, the dishes are still piled up on the counter, and there are about a bazillion legos strewn all over the living room complements of my two boys. Today, “spreading” was more fun the building. Oh, and the potty training bathroom… well, that’s a gross story you don’t even want to know, but I’ll tell it anyway. The lads have been “working through” something recently, and Qade has “not made it” to the potty oh, about 3 times… Those unders have ended up in the trash, I know, another way I’m a “bad housekeeper.” It is not worth ANY amount of money to me to try to scrub those things out, so unfrugal as it may be, I’d rather buy him new unders than even think about it! Hey, I need new underwear too, but I’ll wear my ratty ones awhile longer, and get him some more if that’s what it takes! So that’s me… feeling like a “bad housekeeper.”

And of course, we have the “bad mommy” to tack on to the pile, as if it wasn’t enough. Qade was having super meltdowns today before, during, and after lunch. Do you think I responded to him with compassion and gentleness? Ha! No, of course not, my patience didn’t even show up today, let alone give me time to loose it. So Qade bawled his way through the mid-morning, and I mostly did nothing for his little crisis-es. However my bad feelings about being a bad mommy did indeed get to me and I took the howling lad, whom I “felt” like giving a time out, and rocked and rocked and rocked him till he calmed down before depositing him in his bed for a very much needed nap obviously. Then this bad mommy disolved into tears because, hey, who can really be all these “bad” things stoically?
I’ll tell ya who… someone who really is bad!

And I think that’s the point. Today I have “felt” lousy about myself, but in my mind, somewhere hiding behind the times tables I used to know, is the knowledge that I’m not “really” a bad anything. Today I felt like a looser, but I’m not really a looser. I know that I’m not the “best” wife, mommy, housekeeper, or fill-in-the-blank. But I’m not a bad one either. Feelings just can’t be trusted. They loop around and toss me like a roller coaster, though not as fun, but they rarely reflect reality. Especially the negative ones. See, when I’m feeling like a bad whatever, I forget the good things about it. I forget that when I have to ‘hound’ my toddler every minuted of the day to keep him “right” it’s still Mommy that he wants to tuck him in at night. I forget that when I don’t fulfill the “perfect wife” role, my hubby tells me how perfect I am and how he’s so lucky to be with me. I forget that when I didn’t vacuum the floor, there are people who live in cardboard, and that down the road I won’t care about what a perfectly clean house I had.
So for whatever it’s worth those are my ‘feelings’ and thoughts for today. Now I’m going to go pick up the million legos, make the bed, clean the bathroom (please, I know!) and forget about the crumbs and mushed up fruit loops on the floor. Then I’m going to play with my littlest love, and let his laughter get mine going. Because even though I’m not the best, I’m still good!

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