I read this article today and it got me thinking. Again. 
Because these thoughts have passed through my soggy head before. I’ve been “in ministry” my whole life basically and have watched this “expectation” thing happen over and over again. I’ve seen it in churches, christian schools, college, and camp. Oh yes. There’s often this expectation that if the hubby is “in ministry” that the wife is a bonus. I’ve seen guys who were looking for gals to marry who would “enhance” their ministry with their own talents like piano playing, or amazing voice, or the right connections because of parents. That would make me sick actually. Yeah, grrrrrr! But because of those very kids of exceptions girls I know would begin to feel inferior to their husband’s calling if they did not have some of those very “ministry enhancing talents.” When really, if God wants you to be “in ministry” He’ll give you what you need for that. There isn’t a list somewhere in the heavens that says, “Minister’s wife MUST play piano, yadda, yadda, yadda.” No! And in fact why should we have the expectation that if the man is somehow involved in ministry that it’s “okay” to lay a bunch of ministry burdens on the wife as well?
I mean, I love being involved in the camp ministry with Stuart. I do wish that I could be more involved WITH HIM in it. However right now I have 2 other little men in my life that take up, oh I’d say 99% of my time. I realized after our first summer with camp that if I was going to be involved with camp as much as I WANTED to be, let alone what others may expect me to be, then I will be neglecting my children. That is simply unacceptable. Since then I have, with Stuart’s help, worked on finding a balance so that I CAN find that fulfilling involvement with camp without heaping on the guilt of leaving my kids to someone else’s care extensively. It’s a constant back and forth, but I think we are doing okay.
Still I do personally struggle with those feelings of “not enough” when there are other people who have exorbitant expectations for me, or anyone married to a “minister.” The conclusion that we’ve come to, Stuart was solid on this before I even was, is that it’s not right. Like the lady in the article points out, Doctor’s wives aren’t expected to scrub up next to their husbands, why should the wives of people who’s “job” is ministry be expected to do the same??? Makes no sense, yet it’s prevalent thinking…. at least in circles where I roam.
So what do you think?? I’d love to get some feedback on these thoughts.
I actually make a very bad “minister’s wife”. I don’t play piano for one.
However, I have always been involved up to my neck where ever I am and sometimes have to step back and say, “wait, other people can do this too”. I’ve been the driving force behind many things at church and have watched some of them get caught in quicksand when I had Helen, but things will get done (especially if you’re willing to ask for help).
What article is this that you read? I would be interested in reading it myself if I can. I totally understand your frustrations. We have encountered that in the three years that Matt has been a pastor. But Matt and I both feel that my ministry right now is my husband and my children. If I don’t have an organized home where the meals get fixed, clothes get washed, etc., then my husband isn’t able to have a place where he can come home to rest, relax, meditate, study, etc. which then reflect on his ministry. When we candidated at the church, Matt made it very clear that our family and home would be my first priority, and the church and its activities and programs would be second priority for my. But still, people seem to think that I should be doing such and such…. It is hard to deal with at times, but we know that we answer to God and should not worry about how people view what I do and do not do. I try to get involved as much as I can, which I am finding is even harder now with 3 kids! But one thing I learned along time ago is this: a good leader is one who can reasonably delegate out jobs and responsibilities. So that is what I try to do. I do the organizing of things, and then seek out and delegate people to do them. I am still learning, though. And it is hard to take the comments that you sometimes get. But again, I just have to remind myself that I am not to be “menpleasers” but only seek to please the Lord with my attitude, service, and actions. Thanks for this post. It is nice to be able to talk about things like this with someone who really understands what it is like. You never really know what it is like to be “in the ministry” until you are there! It looks a lot different on the outside! (I don’t mean that you sound negative, just that there is much more to it that most people never know about!)
Oh ya – the piano thing! I don’t play, but often wish I did. Our church sure could use a piano player! But then again, it is not required that the pastor’s wife play the piano and be able to sing – thank the Lord! At least it isn’t God’s requirement – but it sure seems to be a lot of people’s! I like that point made about the dr’s wife. I will have to remember that one for future reference!
Thanks for sharing guys! Oh, and if you want to read the original article just click on the words “this article.” It is linked, but I don’t know why it didn’t “show up.”
Oh wow. One of my pet peeves. I watched my mom go thru the same thing! It’s wrong and as a person who was very involved in ministry growing up, I can say that it didn’t matter what you did, people were always adding things you “should” be doing. I agree, it’s a matter of pleasing the Lord or pleasing man.
Did you write this post for me, Rach? lol. I know that it is a constant struggle not only with the congregation’s expectations of the pastor’s wife’s role (or camp admin, in your case), but also within the pastor’s wife’s own expectations of herself.
I experienced an odd phenomenon when we moved to TX for my hubby’s new church. The people in the church do not expect me to do anything BUT play the piano. This is funny to me, because in NM, I was expected to do everything. I played the piano, but that wasn’t a necessity because we had other pianists. Mostly, I felt burdened down with the other ministries that I had to do to keep the church “afloat”. Yet, now that I’m not doing those same burdensome ministries, I find myself wishing I could do them!
I miss doing the ladies ministry. I know that I can’t take care of my home/family, AND do ladies ministry. I miss doing the nursery. It helped me keep tabs on what was going on with my kids, and helped me get to know the families that had little ones in our church & their precious kids. But, also- I can’t be the primary pianist at our church AND be in the nursery. I miss doing the secretarial things like the church bulletin- I nitpick the one that is at the new church- ha! and answering the phone for the church, although I’m pretty certain that it is a huge weight lifted to not have to do that right now. This is so strange to me.
So, I guess my point is- when it’s expected, it often becomes not so much a ministry, but a requirement. When it’s not required, or expected- that’s when the ministering, and following the Lord’s lead really comes in. At least, that’s what I’m experiencing right now.
Thanks for posting this.
Love,
Sarah
Just so you know you are the most supportive Wife ever! You are not a “ministry wife”—you are my Wife! Sure no one would “say” that you should sacrifice family for ministry. It happens though. At the same time you can sacrifice God’s calling because you shelter your family from tough ministry. Like most difficult situations it is a balancing act. The thing that gets to me, humanly speaking, is people who think I should balance my family the same way they balance their family. Spiritually speaking I still show them grace and move on to God’s Will for us.
I think we need to change people’s ideas about “ministry” in general. So much is done in the name of MINISTRY (including the sacrifice of ministry wives) resulting in the name of Christ being concealed by our love for the MINISTRY. Ministry is a tool, not the end goal. It should be about using service to spread the Gospel to an unserviceable world.
I love talking about our observations. Thanks for being a thinking wife. Thanks for not always agreeing with me. Thanks for being honest. Thanks for sharing it on the blog.
Love,
Your Hubbaroo